Today is a day for learning...

On my morning walk by the river I trotted over to say hello to Charlie Spaniel. Charlie has two dads which is wonderfully on trend and I have considered writing to Dave and Elton to see if they will adopt me but the thought of having to listen to Candle in the Wind on repeat at dinner parties makes me feel rather ill. I think I might actually pass as having two dads as from the way She walks most people assume She is a man anyway. I am also pretty sure I once heard her answer to the name 'Matthew.'

Anyway Charlie, in the midst of his morning ablutions, explained to me that peeing on something makes it belong to you. I don’t like to have things explained to me so replied ‘I know you are but what am I?’ which apparently isn’t an appropriate use of the phrase but when my main source of conversation is Her I don’t know how I am expected to cope…

When he left I tried out Charlie’s theory by peeing on a patch of wall. The wall then smelt of me - so obviously it belonged to me too. Well this is just wonderful! I proceeded to pee on anything I liked the look of….

I am now the proud owner of an Aston Martin DB9 with cream leather interior, Fulham Football Club (I shall immediately reinstate the Michael Jackson statue to prove that I have a sense of humour – no matter what that tubby Labrador in puppy class says - and no I wasn’t named after Margaret Thatcher - and no it isn’t funny to tell people I was,) and a small but rather jolly woman called Eileen.

I, however, now belong to Charlie Spaniel but I’m hoping the oatmeal shampoo will wash that off...