It is the Easter holidays.
During this period I will not come when I am called.
I will sit on the other side of the park and stare at Her.
She can make her voice as high pitched and exciting as She wants.
I will not buckle. I will not bend. I will not come.
Stuff Her.
Stuff Her and Her low grade supermarket treats.
Stuff Her and Her embarrassing footwear choices.
Stuff Her and Her sports sunglasses on a Thursday morning stroll… are you doing sport right now? Are you?!
And most importantly STUFF HER for taking me to the banks of the Thames and claiming it as my holiday.
Bailey the Poodle with digestive problems has gone to France where digestive problems are celebrated with Gauloises and brie (I’ve heard everything is celebrated with Gauloises and brie – possibly accounting for the digestive problems.)
Chocolate Lab Coco is off to Australia for a whole year with her family to ‘travel.’ Apparently she’s finally going to have time to write her novel. (I put money on her coming home in 6 months with an ethnic tattoo and puppies.)
And finally, Charlie Spaniel is going to Lanzarote.
I snorted when I he told me and asked if he had packed his Union Jack collar but apparently Lanzarote is where David Cameron and Sam Cam are going this Easter and it’s actually visually stunning and culturally rich…
BUGGER
‘Wow you must be excited’! I chirped sweetly
‘Ya, ya, actually we’re having dinner with Big Dave and Sammy on the Friday.’
‘Oh… Oh wow… ah… you know The Cams don’t have a dog, right?’
‘Ya, they have a cat, um, Larry I think he is, not coming though, not a good flier.’
‘Yeah yeah I’d heard that. … But, um, you know why they don’t have a dog?’
‘Because of Larry yeah? Ole Lazza.’
‘Yeeeeaaaahhhhh…’
‘What?.... ‘
‘Nothing…’
‘WHAT?’
‘Well you know they eat dogs yeah?’
‘What?’
‘Yeah, the Camerons. Dog munchers. Both of them.’
‘What… seriously?’
‘S’why the Obamas never bring Bo to visit. Can’t trust Dave with him’
‘Seriously!?’
‘Yeeeah. Sam Cam is big into puppy ears too. Good for dipping’
‘Oh my… I have…. But I have huge lovely spaniel ears’
‘Yup, yup you do…. ‘
‘Oh oh oh wow… I should buy a hat or or or something’
…‘Yeah, that’ll help….’
And off I trotted.
OK so I could have just said ‘bon voyage’ and styled out my holiday on the Thames riverbed as a ‘staycation’ but firstly staycationing is so 2012 and secondly, well hey, it wouldn’t have been as much fun.