Sausage Face?

[wpvideo 8eGFDhx6] Wee Mags

The Magatron

Whiney Pants

Yogurt breath

Sausage Face….

…

SAUSAGE FACE!?

This is what I have to put up with.

My name is Maggie and, yes, sometimes my breath smells of yogurt and yes sometimes I whine (For legitimate reasons only and I do have to insist that the whining comes from my throat and not, as described, from my pants…. Someone needs to buy the girl an anatomy book.)

But Sausage Face??!

This is abuse.

Also, she has started ‘doing’ my voice.

Today I think I was supposed to be Mexican but really it sounded Welsh. Yesterday it was like I was doing a terrible impression of an East End barrow boy: ‘awight darhlin’ wood yow like to buy some ‘addock… five paaahnds only a pony.’

Reidiculous. I don’t even like haddock. Or ponies.

For revenge from this gut churning humiliation I followed her round the house for half an hour repeatedly squeaking my pet snake.

She seemed amused and then quickly became irritated to the point of panic… which is pretty much how I feel when I have to listen to her do these goddawful impressions.

I think I have made my point.

It is Monday morning.

  She is wearing the hideous high viz. This is worse than the wax jacket but at least she doesn't insist on wearing it while we are out on walks. She has put bright yellow bands around her ankles and a helmet on with a picture of a fox printed on it. I presume this is in some reference to being an 'urban fox' - someone should point out to her just how hilariously the high viz undermines this image.

I, however, have other things on my mind. I know what this disastrous fashion combination means. She is leaving.

Obviously I don't care about this. I am a happy care-free independent puppy and far too entertained by life to worry about her comings and goings. In fact it's a relief when she takes the high viz down from the peg on the wall - it means I don't have to squint when I walk in the room.

But Teddy….. Teddy gets so upset. He mopes about, won’t eat his treats or play with his toys and just lies in the hallway sighing heavily until one of them returns. This is teddy. Not me. Yes. Teddy.

So this morning I helped Teddy express his pain by wedging him under the front wheel of her bicycle. I then sat staring at her saying 'bad owner bad owner' over and over in my head so she knows what she has done.

If she moves her bike she will kill Teddy and she will feel so bad she will have to stay at home and play with me. If she takes pity on him she will not move her bike not go to work…. and will have to stay at home and play with me. (Either way I’ll make her take the high viz off first at risk of blinding me… and just because it is… really… so hideous.)

I understand that in one of these options Teddy doesn’t come off so well and either way I win but really I am doing this for Teddy. Not me. Yes. Teddy.